A Contract With Women

As reluctant as I normally am to comment in this format on my personal life, recent events and circumstances have compelled me to do just that. Twenty-one years of rather futile searching, fatal mistakes, serious lapses in judgment, and subsequent heartache, sorrow, and loneliness should have produced some learning along the way. This time, I am determined that it will. With apologies in part to Newt Gingrich for his 1994 Contract With America and to Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo’s list in He’s Just Not That Into You, here is a contract with both myself and future prospective romantic interests. I call it a contract; you could also call them standards. In addition to following through as best I can, I intend to learn something from each failure from now on as a means of strengthening the contract.

In order to avoid making the same mistakes, stave off the threats of despair and misery, and ensure happiness through a meaningful and fulfilling relationship with a partner worthy of respect and love, I intend to:

1. Never pursue a relationship with a woman below certain standards or requirements. Smoking, stupidity, self-absorption, vanity, apathy, too few common interests and beliefs and general disinterest should serve as automatic disqualifiers for any potential girlfriend.

2. Never make the same mistake twice. That is, to pursue a relationship with a woman who has rejected me before.

3. Never again pursue sex for its own sake or outside the confines of a relationship. Sex is the most intimate act possible between two people, complete with inherent feelings and emotions. It should be an expression of love and intimacy, not the product of an alcohol-produced meeting. It should benefit both who engage in it, rather than one partner or the other.

4. Never pursue a relationship with someone who isn’t sure they want one.

5. Never pursue a relationship- or any type of association, for that matter- with someone who drinks, does drugs, or engages in other vices to an extent where it causes me discomfort.

6. Never pursue a relationship with a woman less emotionally invested in me than I am in her.

7. Never demand a woman change for my sake. Conversely, never change for the sake of a woman.

8. Never be afraid to declare intentions with a potential romantic interest, no matter how early.

9. Never pursue a relationship with a woman who isn’t comfortable or tolerant of my imperfections.

10. Never settle for a woman who describes the preceding list as being too demanding, unrealistic, or the product of stubbornness or bitterness. Statistically, there are about three billion women on this planet. I’m sure at least one of them can fit the criteria. It is their own problem if they cannot and they are not worthy of my time, attention, respect, or devotion.

If I follow through on these standards and insist that all who may be interested in me, whoever and wherever they may be do the same, I believe I can find the right person worthy of affection, love, and devotion and capable of living in harmony and happiness. Furthermore, I can be a better person for it.